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Saturday, May 06, 2017

Documenting My Life | April

To be honest, I no longer know what I'm expecting from life. Everything I plan seems to be hindered from reaching its end goal. It's starting to get hard to rely on hope for things to get better. I came back to Oman with such enthusiasm and high hopes and I'm seeing it as it slowly fades away. This is the real life everyone talks and warns us about.

On a more uplifting topic, April was the month I started volunteering. Not as long as I hoped for but it's still good to find time to keep myself busy. You can always learn so much from the strong souls with special needs. They make my worries seems useless when they are able to hold up a beautiful smile. I understand my parent's concern with my anger, I think it's about time I start working on it properly.

The last 5 days of the month were much more interesting.

I've created a picture in my mind of how Al Jalali fort looks based on the very little we know about it from Dad and books. I've always been looking forward to the day where I could actually manage to visit the fort and luckily Dad was able to sort out a visit for us. The infamous long staircase greeted us and I imagine my young father walking up the stairs, I've recreated scenes of Rayya and Zahir from a book I've recently read, Al Bagh. I was mesmerised by the view of the ocean. The place was nothing like I imagined it to be. I thought it will be darker. Gloomier. Yet I'm glad I got the chance to visit, at least now I can have an idea when someone tells us a story about the place.

I'm grateful for friends, those who don't sugar coat their feelings and concerns. Those who make time to see you, to actually talk to you. Those who understand. Those you can talk to, get very real with your emotions and probably make your weak soul cry. I'm grateful. Very grateful.

This month was also the month of returning to London after 7 months. Being back made me feel numb, like the cold managed to freeze all my thoughts and energy. It left me cold. But as I said, I'm grateful for friends. Those who spontaneously pass by McDonald's for Happy Meals and go have dinner at the bench in front of the V&A. Dinner at the museum.

I have a feeling May is going to be better. May the force be with us.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Dear 26

Dear 26,

Do you remember 18? I hated her. She reminds me of everything I don't want to be. She was weak, fragile and very self-conscious. I'm sure she had some good traits, but only the negative ones seem to have stuck with her. Maybe it's my fault, but still, she's a reminder of what not to be. I wish I could go back and shake her a little bit. Force her to ask for help when she needs it. Remind her to be confident.

Remember when she broke down in front of the door to our room? How she thought it's the end of the world that she didn't meet her predicted grades? Remember how dramatic she was thinking she'll never go to university. I'm not sure what went in her head I just remember the crying. I hate how she and I allowed the self-consciousness to continue till today. How we continue the bad habit of continuously doubting ourselves and abilities.

It's never too late to change, don't be like her. Or like me. Always aim to be better than every past self. Continue keeping us a reminder of what not to be. No matter how depressing the current situation is, I still have high hopes that things will sort out by the time we get to you. Sure, it took longer than I expected, but whatever, as I said, some things take time to brew and I'll just let it be.

I'm waiting for the day I understand the reason behind everything.

Sunday, April 09, 2017

Dear 26

Dear 26,

I've been pondering the meaning of "patience" for a while now. Not its literal definition but what it means to me. I've always said patience is not my strongest suit; I'm ill tempered, always wanting things to move quickly. What do you call it when you're forced to patiently wait? I think it will be my favourite word once I find it.

Patience is not my strongest suit yet I patiently made my cup of coffee for the day. It's funny how life forces us to go through it, forcing us to tolerate whatever situation we're going through.

I grabbed a sealed packet of Balinese coffee while waiting for the water to boil. I got out the French press and rinsed it. It hasn't been used for a while, the Nespresso machine has always been our go to coffee maker since buying it. I poured in a bit of hot water into the press to warm it up slightly, added 3 tablespoons of coffee and continued pouring the rest of the water. I patiently waited for 3 minutes while the coffee was brewing, thinking about how I'm trying to be patient for a change, not giving my brain a chance to dwell in and on and around my worries. I pushed down the French press and with it every urge to scream and cry.

I can't call it patiently waiting because I can always find time to complain about it. Always trying to do this or that; whether it's morning, evening or night.

I poured my now freshly brewed coffee into the usual mug. Dark and bitter as my thoughts. I looked into the coffee, barely seeing my reflection, satisfied with the smell. I patiently waited for the right time to have a sip of it, for it to hopefully wash down my thoughts with it.

It was a good change from the quick Nespresso coffee. I'm not sure if I got the results I intended, I didn't appreciate the being patient part. It did absolutely nothing other than a cup of coffee.

Thank you for patiently reading this.
And remember, some things take time to brew

Saturday, April 01, 2017

Documenting My Life | March

And another month passed hoping it will be better than the one before. I've been in a slump. Nothing much has changed; I still have a messed up sleeping schedule and unemployed. I still drown myself between the pages of my endless stack of books. This mind numbing state I'm going through better ends soon.

March was the month I decided to meet up with a friend I haven't seen in a very long time. We went to the same school in grade 4 and 5 and I barely remember how our personalities used to be. It was really good catching up and we've talked a lot about random topics from Sufism to consciousness and dreams. I tried making an effort meeting more friends during the month but I always find myself preferring my own company as much as possible.

Family gatherings always leave a giddy feeling in me but soon after everyone leaves and I'm left with memories of a time when we met on a regular basis. My grandparents were the glue that kept the family together, giving us a very very good excuse to meet every weekend. I can't help but miss my grandmother the most after every gathering and every weekend we decide not to meet. It feels like weekends don't have a purpose anymore.

On the bright side, we have an archery shooting range that we've tried yesterday. A great way to let off some steam.

Hoping April will treat me better

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Dear 26

Dear 26,

Remember that if you ever wanted something to happen you have to work hard in order to achieve it. Some things will come easier than others, it's just how things work in this universe. It might feel like some kind of choreography, that familiar dance move; two step forward one step backwards. Keep dancing, even though you're as rigid as a corpse on rigor mortis. And when things go really slow, slower than you ever thought, keep going. Follow whatever sound that's telling you not to stop.

With every passing day I feel more distant. I no longer have my thoughts, feelings and my physical body aligned. I feel out of place, separated, not whole. I've realised that I, at 24, am not living my life as I'd like to. I've realised I'm very hesitant, always scared I'll make a mistake or god forbids fail in something that's important to me. I find myself more often than not stuck in the same place, walking two steps forward and one step backwards.

Whenever I get out of this slump I'll make sure I write about it. But for now, don't stop writing.

Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Documenting My Life | February

This is the fourth time I attempt to write this. I don't want it to be a negative post. Let me try one more time...

This February felt like a fancy cold drink in a hot summer day, one of those with a scoop of ice cream and an umbrella on top. When you really need something to quench that thirst. It's not your ideal drink but you still go for it. You drink it and realise it doesn't taste good, it gives you a painful brain freeze, but it does the job. It's over with all its bittersweetness.

The first half of February was all about seeing my friend prepare for her big day. I tried to be there every step of the way. As cheesy as this may sound, she looked like a princess from a fairytale. I'm sure she'll create her very own fairytale, she has always been original. Celebrating Mariam was the ice cream, the best part of the drink. The first half of the month also coincided with a beautifully unexpected visit with Ksenija visiting Oman. It was an extremely short visit and I can't wait till she's back again. Having Ksenija around was the umbrella, a little bit of something extra nice.

The second half of February was bittersweet. The fact that it coincided with the book fair makes it all better. For a big crowd to be sheltered under one roof with the company of books is an amazing feeling. You know that the majority have a deep connection with books. The book fair taught me that a book seller is not an easy job and it's not for everyone. A good book seller will give you a book for free if you didn't have the money because they they respect books and cherish the idea of reading. It's the right atmosphere for a book lover.

Let's forget all the hard times, the sleepless night and the overthinking.

March-ing till April.

Sunday, February 05, 2017

Wishes

In the past 2 years, there was just one constant thing that I clearly knew I wanted. And as the days passed I've tried hard to keep myself focused, one step at a time to make things work the way I want them to. Of course life has a mind of its own, things don't always work the way they should. There are hiccups on the way, road bumps, whatever you want to call them, and the stronger you hold on to whatever you want the more attached you get to the idea of it. And you might start doing things that people don't understand its significance, don't let that stop you. I constantly find myself wishing. Call them wishes or prayers. It doesn't matter.

When the clock strikes 00:00, I make a wish.

Before I go to sleep, I make a wish.

After waking up, I make a wish.

Accompanying every prayer, I make a wish.

I search for my idea of a good omen, and I make a wish.

When a cold breeze blows, I make a wish.

When that bird rests on my opened window, I make a wish.

I make wishes as I go, whenever I remember and when things get tough. I gain some kind of strength from every wish. And it ruins my day when I realise I missed an opportunity to wish upon.


And I wonder where do all those wishes go?
If they reach Allah or I'm doing it all wrong?