Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Dear 26

5th of October 2017, 7:45 am

Dear 26,

I lost the connection with you like I lost the connection with myself. It's confusing, the me myself and I, the past self and future self, the me in alternate universes. It seems like there are so many versions of myself and I'm not really sure which one I belong to. A strange feeling of disembodiment from this "self".

I constantly feel like I have lost myself in the past year. Today I found myself. It felt like someone zoomed me out from this current self to see what I'm doing from afar. I saw as I typically woke up before my alarm, how I arrived at my destination when I was supposed to leave. I saw how I automatically walked into a Nero and ordered a white mocha to sweeten my day, as if I never stopped, as if I was working on pilot mode. And then I saw as I enjoyed people watching at the station, all in a rush to get to their trains, checking watches, fixing ties and hair. I saw as I took out a notebook and a pen to document my thoughts, realising today I woke up with a purpose. It felt good. I felt reconnected.

Next time you lose yourself go back to where you last remember seeing it. You'll most probably find yourself there.

I'm lost again

Sunday, October 01, 2017

Documenting My Life | September

I find myself around 3 times a week at the gym trying to focus on completing my workout and giving my brain a break from over thinking. I succeed in not thinking for around an hour but once I step out of that gym I'm back at it. It felt like September was a workout for my brain.

If I figured out anything this past month is that journaling has been helping me keep my thoughts together, helps in containing that chaos of thoughts. I stopped journaling for a month and when I finally came back to it it felt like I was able to come out with a conclusion no matter how insignifcant and it felt good. One day I realised that stepping out of my comfort zone was my way of taking matters into my own hands. Another day helped me understand that my sudden interest in watching TV shows (which I spent little time on in the past) has been keeping me away from reading and writing because it doesn't require a lot of thinking. And the most recent journal entry made me realise that the reason I'm scared of change is that I'm worried I'll lose myself only to later realise that me, as I am today, never existed before. Those reflections, although inconsistent, help me understand myself more and that's always a good thing.

September smiled at me in the end, giving me hope for a better October.

Friday, September 08, 2017

Documenting My Life | August

I'm glad August is over because I'm not really sure how I felt about it. And if you know me long enough you would know that I hate not being able to categorise or label how I feel. At some points in August I was in an ultimate high, happiness was oozing from every pore in my body. I found myself at the dance floor in a wedding with a lame attempt in dancing with the happy bride. It felt like I was reflecting her happiness and excitement. I don't think I've ever been this happy for someone before. And at other times I found myself at rockbottom I could feel the taste of earth in my mouth, or was it salty tears? I'm not sure anymore. August was a blur.

Towards the end of August I found myself on a plane to Spain, exactly a year after visiting it. And it didn't feel like any other time I got on a plane. I didn't journal nor write letters, I barely even read. It felt like I slept throughout this trip and whatever time I was awake was either a mediocre dream or a nightmare. There is no point in pretending a trip was fun when it's not.

But looking at the bright side, because I can't just be negative all the time, August is over. September is here and it's up to me to at least attempt to make it a good one for a change.

Wednesday, August 02, 2017

Documenting My Life | July

I kept up with July's storm.
I hope August has a rainbow for me.

Tuesday, July 04, 2017

Documenting My Life | June

June was a reminder of how much I miss family gatherings. During Ramadhan, my family gathered every single day and it felt like my grandparents were smiling from up above. I live for the family rituals like the daily games of Uno and the excitement for the desserts table. For the birthday celebrations that coincide with the month and the cakes we get and ice cream outings. For all the conversations that majlis could hold with every tick of the clock. Ramadhan was a reminder of how much I appreciate my family despite all the things that happen.

It was also the month I tried new things like writing daily in Arabic and attempting to draw. It opened a new door to my creative side I never thought I had or attempted to show. It kept me busy and I hope I continue trying new things since I have a lot of free time.

I had to really work on grounding myself and not over react during June. I don't think I succeeded at all. I had high hopes for the month and for stepping forward but I constantly find myself taking one step forward and two steps backwards. Overreaction became a thing with every obstacle that stops me from taking a leap not just a step.

I guess the highlight of the month would be visiting a new country for Eid. Georgia has been ticked off the list. Spending 5 days in Tbilisi was more than enough and although it was really hot to enjoy we always find a way. Tbilisi's art cafes are an amazing concept and I can't wait to visit other art cafes around the world.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Documenting My Life | May

I can't believe May is just coming to an end. The past month was eventful it surely felt longer than it is. I started the month in London for my graduation also coinciding with my birthday. While I wasn't really feeling the excitement of being back in London and my graduation, it eventually sunk in on the 3rd of May. Getting ready for the graduation, seeing my family and friends felt really good. My birthday was special thanks to my sister. She arranged for the room to be filled with balloons with pictures hanging from them. Each picture had a comment on the back from her, cousins and friends. I still go back to look at the pictures. I'm very grateful for what she has done, for always being there. Grateful for the friends that have been supporting throughout. And my favourite purchase of the month has to be the camera I've been carrying around all the time. Taking pictures and videos, documenting what I can on the way.

May has also been the month honorary niece Noor graduated high school. I can't believe how time passes quickly. Her mom is like an older sister, she has attended every graduation and school function. Helped us with homework and told us stories. She has done a lot for us and being there on her daughter's graduation felt really good. Noor has a great future ahead of her. May was also the month Ghalib graduated KG, Kathy and Aatika graduated primary school. A month full of graduations.

It's day 5 of Ramadhan. I wasn't feeling spiritually ready for the month, a problem I have been facing since grandma passed away. This time, I decided to start a Quran journal to help me stay focused and give me a purpose to actually focus while reading. Everyday, I write a letter to Allah inspired by a verse from the Quran. It's making Ramadhan better.

And most importantly, May is a month where I feel I took a step forward. Sometimes you need to sit and face the situation. Assess what's going on and not avoid it. Confrontation is not easy but you have to deal with it and plan accordingly. The minute I start talking I question if it's a good idea, but it's only fair to do it, no matter how hard. Sit down calmly and face the confrontation. I have high hopes for June.

It's time for things to change to the better.

Saturday, May 06, 2017

Documenting My Life | April

To be honest, I no longer know what I'm expecting from life. Everything I plan seems to be hindered from reaching its end goal. It's starting to get hard to rely on hope for things to get better. I came back to Oman with such enthusiasm and high hopes and I'm seeing it as it slowly fades away. This is the real life everyone talks and warns us about.

On a more uplifting topic, April was the month I started volunteering. Not as long as I hoped for but it's still good to find time to keep myself busy. You can always learn so much from the strong souls with special needs. They make my worries seems useless when they are able to hold up a beautiful smile. I understand my parent's concern with my anger, I think it's about time I start working on it properly.

The last 5 days of the month were much more interesting.

I've created a picture in my mind of how Al Jalali fort looks based on the very little we know about it from Dad and books. I've always been looking forward to the day where I could actually manage to visit the fort and luckily Dad was able to sort out a visit for us. The infamous long staircase greeted us and I imagine my young father walking up the stairs, I've recreated scenes of Rayya and Zahir from a book I've recently read, Al Bagh. I was mesmerised by the view of the ocean. The place was nothing like I imagined it to be. I thought it will be darker. Gloomier. Yet I'm glad I got the chance to visit, at least now I can have an idea when someone tells us a story about the place.

I'm grateful for friends, those who don't sugar coat their feelings and concerns. Those who make time to see you, to actually talk to you. Those who understand. Those you can talk to, get very real with your emotions and probably make your weak soul cry. I'm grateful. Very grateful.

This month was also the month of returning to London after 7 months. Being back made me feel numb, like the cold managed to freeze all my thoughts and energy. It left me cold. But as I said, I'm grateful for friends. Those who spontaneously pass by McDonald's for Happy Meals and go have dinner at the bench in front of the V&A. Dinner at the museum.

I have a feeling May is going to be better. May the force be with us.