Friday, November 20, 2015


When I speak about myself, I'm referring to the empty spaces around everything that's named within me. It's only fair to be the parts of my body that are unidentified for me to be something identifiable. This might not make sense, it is late and I have been up for a while now. As it gets darker and colder outside, I can't help but remember all the times it got too dark and cold in those unidentified spaces I call myself. Bad memories to me, are freezing cold icicles that gradually find a place in me. There are a few of them hanging.

I try to melt the freezing icicles with hot dark black coffee, the darker the better. I follow it with lots of sugar, to give me enough energy to keep me moving, and after a while, it helps the icicles to melt. I walk, I run, I read, I write. I try to melt the icicles, not break them, because that will break me. I try not to sleep, because that's how icicles become stronger. Eventually I get tired and fall asleep, that's when the icicles manifest into horrible dreams, making it impossible not to wake up. And the cycle continues.. 

Sunday, November 15, 2015

I Don't Want Time To Stop

I don't remember how many times I've mentioned wanting time to stop. To just freeze a moment in time and stay in it. I've said it so many times, not actually thinking about what it meant. To stop time, to freeze it, is to die, and I'm not ready for death. 

I need the time to shape a better version of myself. I need the time to travel the world east and west. I need the time to spend with those I love, to cherish their presence, to fill my conscious and subconscious brain with memories. I need the time to read all the books I haven't gotten my hands on yet, to read for Tolstoy and Dostoevsky, for Rumi and Omar Khayyam. I need time to learn, to seek knowledge, to understand theories and maybe make some of my own. I need the time to master the art of coffee making, to prefect cooking rice, to make my favorite dishes. I need the time to get a job, to make a simple difference, to educate, to raise awareness. 

I want to to feel the rain and the wind, the cold and the heat. I want to find beauty in the tiny details around me. To ignore my worries, forget about the oblivious future. I want to live every second of every moment, to document it with pretty words and pictures. I want to live a long and accomplished life, one that’s able to inspire you and me. 

I’m not sure who gave me the idea but I don’t want time to stop.

Sunday, November 08, 2015

Dear 26

Dear 26,

Sometimes you won't feel good. You might stay up until 5 am locked in that maze of thoughts and when you finally sleep get woken up by a nightmare. You might wake up and drop your glasses where even your skinny arm won't reach. You'll make a cup of coffee and forget to drink it until its ice cold and too sour that even heating it up won't do. You might be around people who found their way through your current hope. You'll hear talks you wish you spoke. You might hold a pen and find nothing to express. Your face will be dry and your hair will fall. You'll be stressed out. You'll work really hard for something and still manage to mess it up. You might cry and you might laugh it off. You'll wish you could meet certain people but end up meeting people you want to avoid. You'll run hoping you can run away from your thoughts. You'll walk to allow your brain to think so that it might stop thinking later on. You might put all the make up you have yet still look tired. But it's ok. Because no matter how bad it is, it won't get worse. And no matter how hard it gets, you'll find a way through. If you don't sleep today or tomorrow you will get your share of rest another day. And if you missed the cup of coffee you made, someone will make you a better one. And when your glasses fall just trust your memory to lead you to the cabinet that has your lenses. And when people talk about things you wish you had think of the things that make you happy. And that conversation you wish you spoke, you will one day and it will be a melody. Find muse in your hardest days, when things don't seem like they're going the way they should, because a day will come and you'll write it so beautifully you'll be glad you didn't give up.

Yours truly,
23 having a hard week

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Dear 26

Dear 26,

I saw a glimpse of you the other day in the underground on my way to the university. Your bag between your feet and a book in your hand. You looked really into it. I'm glad I saw you with a book, it means that living life through people's eyes and mind is still something you enjoy. I wonder if you have travelled enough? If you visited all the places I planned for you to visit? And what's with the worried face? I was hoping by the time I reach you I would have forgotten what worry even means. I'm hoping the look I've seen on you is just there because of having that same expression for 4 years and nothing to do with your current state.

I am now in London as you may have guessed, working my way to the hopes and aspirations I've created for myself. I walk a lot here giving me a lot of time to think which I don't particularly enjoy all the time. But walking also gives me the chance to let my worries diffuse to the fresh air around me  in a very gradual way leading to a lighter self and a better chance for a smile. I find myself most anxious in a train, where the worries of so many people thicken the air making no room for my worries to diffuse out but a greater chance for the worries around me to diffuse in. So I keep myself busy with a book.

Yours truly,
Little Miss Worry

Sunday, September 13, 2015

On Friendship

I have 371 friends on Facebook but if I’m in trouble tomorrow will they all be there for me? No. However, I do know exactly who will be there because they’ve been there before and are still around. Occasionally you’ll have the friends who would surprise you when you’re in deepest need of help or support, those have a special place in my heart. 

To my friends, thank you for the memories we keep creating and for the smiles and laughs. Thank you for the occasional insights on life and its beauty. Thank you for sharing your experiences for they give me a glimpse on a life I’m not living but might consider to try.

But to my best friends, here is a post to you even though you won’t be reading this. For although we are best friends, I might not have mentioned this blog to you or maybe I did but a long time ago.

Omaima, my sister, it’s only right to start with a best friend I’ve known literally my whole life. Our relationship freaks people out for we’re too attached for our own good, but being the way we are was never a problem. Omaima and I don’t only share blood but we also share shoes, clothes, bags, accessories, taste in music, food and most importantly inside jokes. I’m sure I’ve forgotten a lot of things but you get it. My longest living best friend shared with me a lot of memories and while it might not be fair for the rest of my best friends, she got lucky being a sister. She gives encrypted advice that you appreciate in the middle of the night, she shows appreciation in the form of weird gestures like bum shakes. She awakens my hibernating rebel in a healthy way. In her honour, I’ll stop at this for she doesn’t like cheesy talks.

Fatma; friends since 9 year of age, best friends since 12 and a long life ahead. Before Fatoom, I changed best friends like I change my clothes, 3 times a day. I didn’t understand what a best friend meant but since Omaima had one I of course had to have one too. And the hunt began. I can’t remember how we became best friends, what life had planned for us when we were young and naive. I do know though that this best friend stuck with me even when I changed schools. I still remember calling her from my new school right after last lesson at 2:45 pm, it was the time she goes back home from the old school. We’d update each other with the day’s event and plan an outing once in a while. Life was good to us, for we later went to university away from home in the same city. Fatoom is the motherly best friend, the one full of suggestions and guidance when you’re in deepest need of them. She’s the one that constantly reminded me to get some sleep, eat, and study. She’d cook my favourite meals, go shopping with me and all the girly things best friends do on TV. She’s the typical best friend in an untypical way, if that will ever make sense.

I’ve been friends with Dana since 13, we were virtual friends and 3 years later ended up going to the same school. I still don’t remember what made me stop talking to her in the 3 years that passed until the new school, but I guess if my mind doesn’t remember it then it doesn’t really matter. I really can’t remember how we became friends again but by the end of high school and start of university I’ve found Dana as a shoulder to lean on and eventually joined the best friend circle. I’ll forever be grateful to her standing by my side on a really hard day while in the UK when my dad had his accident. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to be around. Dana is my realistic friend, that reminds me to stay hopeful and have strong faith. She doesn’t say much but whatever she says usually sticks in my mind. Dana has recently been of tremendous help with a chaotic year and for that I’m in debt to her constant support.

And finally Mariam, my bear hugging friend. My sushi partner and my marshmallow covered in chocolate best friend (hard from the outside squishy from the inside). This is my culturally aware, knowledgable best friend that always adds a new piece of info to my life. It’s worth mentioning that we constantly ask ourselves how we became best friends when we’re worlds apart when comes to thoughts about certain topics but I guess opposites attract. Mariam was also around when I got the news of dad’s accident. The mix of Mariam’s positivity and Dana’s realistic thoughts were exactly what I needed. When I need a hug Mariam is the first person I’d think of knowing the right exact words to say in the most perfect tone. I need her around for she’s a constant reminder that knowledge is the most beautiful thing a person can be.

I have acquaintances, friends and best friends. I appreciate their existence for they once were part of a memory. I try not to take memories for granted for I’ve learned they make me who I am. Today, I spent my day between friends and best friends, and I must say I realise how lucky I am to have them all around, for sticking around even though I’m not the best out there at keeping in touch. 

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Dear 26

Dear 26,

In a months time I’d probably be packing to embark on the new journey. The idea of leaving for a year to live with myself is surprisingly easing my tense mind. There is something about having my own rules of living that makes me happy. Having my meals whenever I want to, going out whenever I feel like it and travelling whenever I have the time. Very liberating. Writing that out made me realise that I chain myself even when I try to convince myself that I don’t care what people think. I hope by the time I reach you I’d be able to really say it and mean it, “I don’t care”.

Commitment is something new I’ve learned about myself. I never knew I had it in me with that short temper and habit of complaining at a rate of 10 complaints per second. I’m happy to say I’ve proved myself wrong. My commitment to hold onto what I think is right after a whole year of ups and downs makes me very proud of the person I am today. My commitment to find the tiny details in my days that make me happy is something I never thought I’d be able to do for 100 days continuously. The more I think about it the more I realise I never gave myself the chance before this year to commit to something. 

In 3 years time, when you read this 26, I hope you’re still holding tight to what you think is right for you. Commit to your happiness, satisfaction, dreams and hopes no matter how selfish it may sound.

Yours truly,

The one committing to 26

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Things I've Learnt In The Past Year

For the past year my life has felt like a compass trying to find north and it finally did. From where I am north is west towards London. I think I'm ready to try and think of everything I've learnt in the past year so that in the future I could come back to this and remind myself a thing or two. I have a habit of not proof reading my posts so there might be repetition, I wouldn't know.
  1. If you have the slightest feeling something doesn't feel right then speak up and say you don’t want it.
  2. never regret a decision you’ve made that you know will keep you happier, no matter what more “influential people” around you think.
  3. Don’t ever feel like you have to always justify your decisions. Some decisions are meant to be kept between you and yourself.
  4. When you feel something is right stand up for yourself and fight for it as much as you can. So you dont regret it one day.
  5. Try to live your life in a way that in the future you don't use “what if?”
  6. Never be the ladder people use to get to the top.
  7. Its ok to be selfish when it comes to your future and happiness
  8. Don’t take things for granted, appreciate all the little things around you.
  9. Projects, like plans and to-do-lists, help keeps my life and mind more organised.
  10. No matter how hard it feels while waiting, there is something better coming your way.
  11. Keep your expectations low, you wont be as disappointed.
  12. Don’t underestimate yourself, in the long run it ruins your self-esteem.
  13. It’s ok to question your parents, they don’t always know best. 
  14. You’d reach a point where you won’t appreciate your birthday because you have too much going on in your life. Don’t let that happen a lot, you need to appreciate your existence more than your problems.
  15. Read as much as you can, you’ll go to more place, experience more things and learn more. 
  16. Learn to live in peace with yourself, in the very little times this happened during the year it felt really good.
  17. Look at things you've been used to like it’s something new for it to not lose its beauty.
  18. Coffee is an art, its a ritual, a source of inspiration don't give up on it.
  19. Come up with rituals but not routines. 
  20. Surround yourself with productive people and those that poke your mind.
  21. There are 2 types of people: those who make fun of your obsessions and those that embrace it.
  22. Travel with people you can actually live with and not only tolerate. 
  23. Speak up before its too late.
  24. You don’t always have to stick to the plan as long as your goal is clear.
  25. You’re meant to change not stay the same.