Saturday, February 20, 2016

Dear 26

Dear 26,

Seasons come and go and it's absolutely fine to change with them.

I arrived in London on a rainy autumn day. The city felt exactly like everything going on in my life, gloomy. It's not fair to dismiss my hardships (a very exaggerated word choice) because someone else somewhere has it worse. It makes sense to acknowledge what I go through and find a way to deal with it. I understand I sound like a drama queen. 

Autumn has taught me to live with the green until it turns orange and eventually red, only then am I ready to finally let go of whatever it is and let it fall and decompose. It taught me to let the rain wash away all those areas I can't reach to, clean them, for them to leave me, my body and my soul. To reach the ground between my toes and mix with everything else there. The ground finds a way to deal with our drama and makes the best out of it.

Then came winter, dry and cold. With wind bringing old memories with it. Winter froze my feelings, thoughts and everything to do with my mind. Kept things still yet exhausting; because with frozen thoughts you get even more time to analyse every aspect, to every point of view out there. You can't let them go for they are stuck in place. Oman's winter though was a fresh breeze. Allowed my frozen London thoughts to melt a bit and find a way to move. The melted thoughts left my brain through my eyes, ears, mouth and hands. Down my cheeks and through black ink on lined papers.

And as spring comes closer, I'm slowly finding a way out like the seeds inside that same ground that once allowed my drama to seep through it. I'm a calmer wind, a warmer heart. I smile more and write fresher thoughts, ones that match spring better. And I find myself waiting to bloom like the spring flowers, to meet the sun and its hugging warmth, to change a little bit more. And although I'm stressed and don't sleep well, I feel better, I feel much better than I was a year ago. And although I long for some needed winter hibernation, I'm glad that the thoughts that roam my head when I'm not able to sleep are not as haunting. They're more positive.

I can't wait for summer, to see myself change once again. To allow for all that change to radiate like the summer heat. To hopefully be finally calm. Then wait. Wait for another cycle of change.

I once said I'll never change but there is beauty in changing and growing as the seasons go by.