Around the age of 12 or 13 I enjoyed the idea of having a diary to write in every night. I'm not sure where I got the idea from, but I believed diaries were meant to be hidden away from everyone, tucked somewhere only I knew about. That the words I expressed were meant to be left between me and myself, no one else. So you could imagine my devastation when I realised my siblings were reading my diary. I still remember this specific day when we were heading to school in the morning and my siblings were reciting something and laughing, it took me a couple of seconds to register what they said and realise they were mentioning something I've written the night before. I stopped keeping a diary since than and tore all the ones I've had. I also think it's the reason I have a hard time telling people about this blog or journalling in general for that matter.
I've had this blog since 2009 if I'm not mistaken. I've had it for longer, I started it when I was 16, but I once decided to delete everything I've ever written on this blog prior to 2009 and I can't seem to remember why. I feel like a big chunk of my writings has been destroyed by no one other than myself and I wish I could go back and read what I used to write. So for the sake of no future regrets, I'll start documenting my life on a monthly basis hoping the habit my change to a daily one some day.
I have so much hope for 2016 to be a year where I get to know myself better. I've heard the term "self-awareness" so many time in 2015 for it to make me self-aware that I'm not self-aware. I like defining and organising things into clear categories but I can't seem to do that with myself. With the end of January, I'm no where near understanding myself better. But here is January wrapped up with a ribbon on top.
At the beginning of the year, I got myself the 5 year Q&A journal that I've been answering everyday in January. For a while it felt like an alternative to journalling but my talkative brain doesn't seem to like being limited to 4 lines. However, the book has been a good conversation starter and a potential way to know myself better. I find myself over analysing every question I've answered so far, ensuring I answer the questions in the best possible way. Actually, I feel like I spent January over analysing and thinking about everything around me, hoping for any answer in any form for questions I might not even have asked myself about yet.
I desperately want to document my life to compensate for the undocumented past years. I've once enjoyed the idea of photography, to go out and take pictures of anything and everything. I used to document my life so much better when I had a compact camera but I sadly lost all the pictures (damn you unreliable technology). With a DSLR, I found myself slowly getting tired of the heavy camera and using my phone to take pictures instead. So for the sake of visual memories, I decided to take only blue pictures for January as a way to document my year in colour. I got really busy and it became hard to snap pictures. I don't like the "busy" excuse but that's how it is.
In mid January, I presented with my group a poster presentation on Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and for a change I wasn't very nervous. I have spent the last 2 weeks of January in the lab between pipettes and samples. Trying to avoid contamination and hoping to get perfect results. Learning to be patient and hoping for the best. Perfecting the art of making an agarose gel and ensuring the current is running correctly in an electrophoresis. I've waited for PCRs to finish, loaded my samples with a dye in agarose gel wells and watched as the green dye separated to blue purple and yellow. I've waited for the moment of truth in front of the UV light machine to see whether my PCR worked or not, got disappointed more times than I like but the feeling of accomplishment when the bands appeared in all the right places gave me hope that I can find my way through a lab.
This January, I've treated myself to go and see two musicals, Les Miserables and Wicked. I still find myself listening to the lovely sound tracks from Les Mis and remembering the way the emerald green lights lit up in Wicked. I hope I get the chance to tick off all the musicals I want to watch. I also decided to get myself a bouquet of beautiful white tulips and pink peonies to stare at and admire. I caught up with Sherlock the show and trying to make the most of the sleepless nights. I now have 2 unicorn mugs.
From fast and slow January,
Maria
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