It’s interesting, the conversations we have after midnight. When all our thoughts and worries, ironically, become visible in the midst of complete darkness. Like somehow the flow of blood around our body, and the electric signals in our brain extend some kind of current to a light bulb. Sadly though, It’s not the light bulb of great ideas, the ones we see popping up in cartoons. It’s another type of light bulb, and I guess no matter what, we always appreciate a source of light.
I had an interesting conversation with myself on a sleepless night. I was questioning, why I always underestimate my achievements? Why I never celebrate my small and big accomplishments? Why I’m never satisfied with my work? Why I’m always looking for flaws in my thinking? Why I always feel less smart than everyone around me? Why everything I accomplish instantly loses its value in my perception? I questioned why people around me are fascinated by what I’m doing? Whether they’re genuinely impressed or whether it’s the polite way to respond to my answer? I questioned when it all started? Because I’m sure when I was around 13 or 14 I was the most appreciative of all my accomplishments. I would scream it at the top of my lungs, out the window, discuss it with strangers and even more with family. I was in a way narcissistic, vain, I might even push it and say I was proud of everything I did. My self-confidence and self-esteem were high enough for me to go on with life happily accomplishing the little goals I set for myself. And somehow I believe that’s the secret to why I feel I was doing better back then. I understand it’s not fair to compare the accomplishments of a 13 year old to that of a 24, 30, 50 and even 60 year old, but there is some truth to what I’m trying to say. I want to know how it feels to be satisfied with every decision I’ve made. To be proud of my achievements, accomplishments and failures. To be able to pick up myself at any given point in my life and just do things, create, experiment and live.
If you have answers to my long list of questions, I’d love to discuss them with you.