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Saturday, April 02, 2016

Dear 26

Dear 26,

I apologise for my recent lack of enthusiasm to reach you. It's just that with every tick and tock of the clock, time passes. And with the passing of time I find myself more anxious rather than at ease to reach you. It's getting closer to my 24th birthday, and with that comes a lot of worrying about what I may lose rather than gain. Despite the hardships of the real world as a result of growing up and having different responsibilities and expectations from the surrounding, I'm at a happy and grateful place in my life. I'm grateful for the presence of both my parents, my siblings, my aunts and uncles. For my ability to continue my higher education without worrying about any financial burden. And being in contact with those I care about.

When I started writing those letters, I was eager to leave a time in my life and just zoom to the future without having to deal with everything in between. I found comfort in an age I thought was far off and linked it with stability and a safe haven. Now, the closer I get the more worried I am. I'm worried because despite my continuous rants about hating "expectation" I actually set a really high one for you. I guess there is nothing wrong with that high expectation, I just have to work double as hard to get everything the way I want it to be. I have to keep up with all the stress and possible disappointments to then finally see a unicorn galloping over that rainbow I drew.

Since that first letter in October 2014 and I still find myself waiting for a letter in any form from you. I don't know how you do letters in 2018 but I desperately need some kind of hint as to how things will be. I constantly find myself torn between not wanting to know anything about the future and wanting to know everything. Will I be happy? Will I be successful? Will I have a library, a bookshop or a coffee shop? Will I travel the entire world? Will I get my PhD? Will I have a pet unicorn? I have so many questions that no longer have a place in my brain and I end up writing them down in different places hoping one day I'll get answers.

There is nothing wrong with believing in miracles,
Maria