Sunday, February 02, 2014

When I Understood What Death Really Means

I’ve lost my grandmother when I was 5 but I was too young to really understand what death is or means. I’ve lost other relatives after that, but still, I didn’t really understand what losing someone really means. I’m not really sure when I started to understand it. I was probably 15 or 16. It happened so sudden and so fast. I realized what death really means. In one year, 4 of my friends lost their fathers in either a car accident or a heart attack and it was never the same after that. I used to get these nightmares that my father dies, they are all different but are the same in one way, at the end of it my dad is gone. Some of these dreams were really weird where people tell me he’s dead and try to convince me that. Others would be in school and teachers asking me to go to the principle’s office and telling me he’s gone. My father is the most important person in my life and those dreams made me scared of sleeping.

In 2009, my dad went for a heart surgery in the US and around the same time he was there we lost our grandfather, another very important person in my life. With his very old age we somehow had it in the backs of our heads that his day will come but having him around for a really long time has pushed the idea further and further away. I still remember when the help came to tell us that everyone left to the hospital because he’s gone. They said “baba” is gone and the first thing that came in mind was MY dad. I broke down. It didn’t matter if it was my dad or grandfather they both are important people and it really hit me that I can’t bear losing someone really important in my life.

In November 2012, my dad got into a serious car accident. I was with my friends for the weekend and woke up a bit late. I checked my phone to find missed calls from my mom and sister. I called my sister and she told me that he was in a car accident. Me being me, I thought that was her telling me he’s gone. She continued on saying he’s in a coma and stable. I broke down. I later realized that he was sedated and not really in a coma. He’s much better now and we thank god for that.

So to my dear family, when you have some bad news to tell me about, till me what I’m most afraid of right when you start the conversation and leave what you really thought was a good introduction for later.