Documenting My Life | December

And there goes 2017, ending on a good note which automatically makes the year a bit more bearable. In December I found myself back in the streets on London wishing I was still living there. Visited my favourite bookshops one last time. This month I decided to splurge on myself and that's never a bad thing. Self-love, people, self-love!

December was also the month I got the employment call and went on to sign the required papers. What an end to the year and I'm looking forward to see what 2018 has for a change.

Documenting My Life | November

The best decision I've made during November is to embark on a well-planned 52 week journey to self-discovery. For November, the theme was gratitude towards one's self. I had to explore things like gifts, spiritual gifts, physical health and unique qualities. For someone who has always negatively criticised herself it was shocking and a bit difficult to focus on just the positive things. One of the most significant discoveries this month wasn't something I came up with but rather pointed out to me. I was questioning how one figures out their unique qualities and I got a simple reply; that I'm optimistic in the face of adversity. "Optimistic" was never a trait I associated with myself. I questioned it a lot. But I thought the only way I could understand what she meant was to ask for examples of this optimism in the face of adversity. I was told I'm unhappy about my situation yet I'm still here. That I make the best of it by attending conferences, writing articles and discovering myself. And that I generally keep my spirits high. And that's admirable. For a change, I embraced it. I have never analysed it that way but it's true. I'm still here. Still fighting in my own way. Let's see how it will all end.

Document My Life | October

The end of September smiled at me and I thought I owe October to document it positively. I started the month full of creative energy and excitement for the days ahead. 3 days into the month I found myself on a flight to London, a place I briefly called home. During the flight I watched an episode of Origins: Journey of Humankind  on currency. They mentioned something interesting in the episode; in an era of information your individuality is the strongest currency. I found myself exploring what my individuality is, what it means and I'm not sure how far I've reached. Who am I really?

I found myself in the streets of Cambridge; waking up with a purpose. Reigniting the enthusiasm I have in me for genetics and why I want to be part of it. The end of each talk made me realise this is coming closer to an end but I know the discussions will keep going.

During October I've realised how much family and friends are important to me despite me feeling I could make it alone a lot of the time. I spent the month out with friends that have always been close to me and others I reconnected with only lately. And that family of mine that every time I decide I need a break from them I end up wanting to spend more time with them.

Despite the lack of autumn vibes this October, my brother Ahmed gave me both the cold and warm feeling associated with the season. To him I'm grateful.

Now November, please be nice.

Dear 26

5th of October 2017, 7:45 am

Dear 26,

I lost the connection with you like I lost the connection with myself. It's confusing, the me myself and I, the past self and future self, the me in alternate universes. It seems like there are so many versions of myself and I'm not really sure which one I belong to. A strange feeling of disembodiment from this "self".

I constantly feel like I have lost myself in the past year. Today I found myself. It felt like someone zoomed me out from this current self to see what I'm doing from afar. I saw as I typically woke up before my alarm, how I arrived at my destination when I was supposed to leave. I saw how I automatically walked into a Nero and ordered a white mocha to sweeten my day, as if I never stopped, as if I was working on pilot mode. And then I saw as I enjoyed people watching at the station, all in a rush to get to their trains, checking watches, fixing ties and hair. I saw as I took out a notebook and a pen to document my thoughts, realising today I woke up with a purpose. It felt good. I felt reconnected.

Next time you lose yourself go back to where you last remember seeing it. You'll most probably find yourself there.

I'm lost again

Documenting My Life | September

I find myself around 3 times a week at the gym trying to focus on completing my workout and giving my brain a break from over thinking. I succeed in not thinking for around an hour but once I step out of that gym I'm back at it. It felt like September was a workout for my brain.

If I figured out anything this past month is that journaling has been helping me keep my thoughts together, helps in containing that chaos of thoughts. I stopped journaling for a month and when I finally came back to it it felt like I was able to come out with a conclusion no matter how insignifcant and it felt good. One day I realised that stepping out of my comfort zone was my way of taking matters into my own hands. Another day helped me understand that my sudden interest in watching TV shows (which I spent little time on in the past) has been keeping me away from reading and writing because it doesn't require a lot of thinking. And the most recent journal entry made me realise that the reason I'm scared of change is that I'm worried I'll lose myself only to later realise that me, as I am today, never existed before. Those reflections, although inconsistent, help me understand myself more and that's always a good thing.

September smiled at me in the end, giving me hope for a better October.

Documenting My Life | August

I'm glad August is over because I'm not really sure how I felt about it. And if you know me long enough you would know that I hate not being able to categorise or label how I feel. At some points in August I was in an ultimate high, happiness was oozing from every pore in my body. I found myself at the dance floor in a wedding with a lame attempt in dancing with the happy bride. It felt like I was reflecting her happiness and excitement. I don't think I've ever been this happy for someone before. And at other times I found myself at rockbottom I could feel the taste of earth in my mouth, or was it salty tears? I'm not sure anymore. August was a blur.

Towards the end of August I found myself on a plane to Spain, exactly a year after visiting it. And it didn't feel like any other time I got on a plane. I didn't journal nor write letters, I barely even read. It felt like I slept throughout this trip and whatever time I was awake was either a mediocre dream or a nightmare. There is no point in pretending a trip was fun when it's not.

But looking at the bright side, because I can't just be negative all the time, August is over. September is here and it's up to me to at least attempt to make it a good one for a change.

Documenting My Life | July

I kept up with July's storm.
I hope August has a rainbow for me.